Remembering Love

“You are giving people an opportunity to correct a wrong.”  Those words were spoken within an hour of.

“They’ve erased you from their history?! How can they do that? You being there is a fact. Are they changing the facts?”

Coupled with all the goodness that happened the week before, the words and new opportunities mixed into a catastrophic fail at keeping my sorrow and grief and despair at bay anymore. As classically happens, one small thing, not being able to find a certain room for a meeting I was to attend, opened the door to a heart full of sorrow and grief. Two decades of being demonized and terrorized and lied about and harassed and vilified and threatened constantly descended into a watery purge.

For only the third time in my life, I cried uncontrollably. The first time was on the day of my ex’s second marriage, less than a month after our divorce was finalized. The second was the day Garnell’s two record set arrived in the mail and upon seeing a 12”x12”  picture of him at the organ, I allowed myself to remember our relationship in such detail, it broke my heart open. Now, I cried tears so deep that when they stopped an hour and a half later, there was fresh air in my soul.

Once upon a time I was the Queen of Sixteen Tears. Today, I am happy to report, the journey begun when my oldest son was born and I wanted to be bonded with him, has resulted in full emotional presence and flexibility. It has been the consummate journey of faith and answer to prayer.

Surely, my faith has kept me from being bitter all these years since 1995. But there has been another energy flowing into my life. During those times when obstacles were repeatedly thrown in my way towards living a joyful life filled with opportunities to be kind and caring and speak hope into people’s lives, I have been dearly loved and cared for in ways that surprised and sustained.

When ‘I’d pick you up and throw you out myself if I could!” was angrily spoken to me by a woman whom I’d never met, was followed by “I don’t want to hear a thing you have to say!” from a judge who has a constitutional mandate to allow people to speak in their defense to people in his courtroom, there was love.

That moment when “They’re making quite a bit of money off her” was sequenced with the now humorous caption “Close cover before striking match” and draped in ‘...there’s ignorant...and then there’s stupid”, my being, my essence, my presence anywhere and everywhere was infused with love from others.

Receiving, in a way I never had before, and experiencing overwhelming love, the kind I usually gave out in a way one pattern, lifted me, affirmed me, and encouraged me to continue my own inclination to behave lovingly with kindness in the midst of adversity. They courageously stood by me, whispering in my ear, ‘higher ground’, ‘return not evil for evil’, ‘you’ve got this’ and most miraculously of all in my moments of experiencing more pain than I thought I could bear, ‘It doesn’t show’.

“Love covers a multitude of sins” is not some toxic codependent mantra. It is a spiritual truth that love is the antidote to the harm other people try to inflict.  So many people utterly lie about their stories, their narrative. I feel so sorry for them. You will only know pity, not love, if you do not tell the truth about yourself, because only then do you know people love you for who you are.

The first set of tears I cried were for love that was not enough. The second set of tears were for love that was too much at the wrong time. The third set of tears were freedom. To those of you who set me free, thank you.  Your love is not in vain. All my days to come, the joy, the delight, the laughter, the bounty, are because of you.

All my love, forever,