Living with Crazy; 95-5

This is one sample scenario.

He’s had a bad day at work. ( but it could be any negative trigger) He comes home and finds you are doing laundry. The noise bugs him. Suddenly the peace and joy you were feeling oozes out of your body as fear of the unknown floods in every vein and artery.

How wild will this get, you wonder?

He starts yelling. Slamming doors as if he were punching you in the stomach.

The force makes you jump in your skin. You just keep your eyes down low and take a deep breath.

He comes closer and yells louder letting you know he’s stronger, more powerful.

Will the threat turn into something more? You try to ignore it.

And then… then it can go either way. Either, for some mysterious reason he will defuse and go do something else, or he will actually hit you or scream in your face, or grab you around the throat.

There may be hours or days after when he acts as if nothing happened at all. He may even be cheerful and sociable towards you.

That’s the game. To keep you off balance. You never know when it’s going to hit, or for how long and he leaves you wondering what you can do to either make the other shoe drop and get the explosion over with or what you can do to keep him in a good mood.

That’s domestic violence. That’s abuse.

Ninety five percent of the time it’s a woman on the receiving end and a man on the ‘dishing-it- out’ end.

But five percent of the time it’s a man who’s taking the hits.

Current reference: the story a couple of weeks ago of a woman who had taken a chain saw to her husband’s neck. And if anyone knows Ken Schram, please give him one of his own Schrammies. I heard him making a joke of it and saying that according to the people he’d talked to at one of the big box hardware stores they said if she really wanted to get the job done she should have used a different kind of saw. Somehow it seemed funny to him to make a ‘right tool for the right job’ joke. Not.

Domestic Violence has many forms. Psychological, Emotional, Financial abuse are techniques for landing blows as surely as any fist. Do you remember the movie "Gaslight"?

It is possible to get out and get healed. It takes courage and the support of many many people and years to heal, to stop flinching, to trust.

Yes you can relate to someone being abusive or being abused. Haven’t you ever been in a situation where someone having a bad hair day launches into you, or maybe flips you the bird at a stop sign when it was your turn to go through the intersection? Or maybe you’ve lost it on a grocery clerk when you’re fighting a cold and want them to move faster because work was already an impossible experience. You know… just a little snarky.

Put those feelings on steroids and it’s easy to understand. But Domestic Violence is complicated and takes teams of people to sort out.

Sure we have lots of situations of Domestic Violence here on the Island. And here’s the wonderful truth. We can face those incidences, acknowledge those situations, and help those people and still maintain that we live in a bucolic paradise.

So please do so. October is almost over the National Domestic Violence awareness month, or maybe by the time you read this it’s already November. Keep this campaign visible 24/7 all year.

First of all remember that even when the purple lights come down Domestic Violence is still an issue that needs your support.

Second, remember it happens to men too. On November 4th at the Red Bicycle there will be a chance to come hear men tell their stories about what it’s like to be abused. Come.

Third remember it takes both time and money. Give one or the other or both if you can.

Fourth, know that whatever you do, big or small will make a huge difference. Whether you are just getting more informed or throwing thousands of dollars towards the DoVE project here on the Island, you are making a difference.

No one should have to live with crazy. Help people get out. Help people get safe. Help people create a new life for themselves.

Part of the solution is complicated and part of it is simple. Please help with the simple part.

Love,
Deborah