Life Interrupted

This past week I realized I will never in my life get what I’ve wanted which is a fairly predictable schedule and a really low profile. I also made peace with that fact as ‘a good thing’.

So Thursday at 5:14 PM there’s a message left on my voicemail (that I discovered at 6:00 ) that someone has indeed dropped out of the Edge Professional Development Program for Writers through Artists Trust. As first alternate I have first dibs on saying, ‘yes’. I do so knowing it means that suddenly for the next eight weeks I will be in class a lot and to my astonishment discover that the final for the class is my first public reading which will take place at Elliott Bay Books. OK. Well…

The affirmation of being in this class which is described by one artist friend as ‘highly competitive’ and the realization that full time writing and teaching is a path which I have discerned as the right path for me but didn’t quite believe it would be actualized in my lifetime are two overwhelming realities. I keep finding myself taking deep breaths. And I say, ‘Oh wow!’ a lot.

When I met the other writers I was truly humbled. I was also glad I had said ‘yes’ even though it meant completely rearranging my life so I could accommodate the first Friday night class which started exactly twenty four hours after I was notified of the place available for me.

These are amazing writers, fifteen of them. I listened in awe as they all presented their initial materials that night. I was so excited after getting home I could not fall asleep.

The thought will go through my mind a million times over, what if I had said no? What if I had said it wasn’t the right time. For weeks, ever since I found out I was an alternate, I have told friends and acquaintances being selected as an alternate was perfect as it didn’t seem to be the right time and I had so many other things to do, yet it let me know I was good enough to get in. Now, having taken my place in the class, I find that I will choose to not do many of the things on my ‘to do’ list because they have already eliminated themselves in light of the new information I have about my career as a writer.

In the past I have been willing to let myself be interrupted frequently by negative circumstances and still look for the positive outcome. Now I find myself willing to be interrupted by something intensely positive and looking for the bigger outcome. My vision of my own life has completely changed. I’ve agreed with myself to release my grip and am living with that feeling in my stomach you get when you go over a hill too fast and loose your sense of gravity for a moment.

I’ve asked myself to pay attention to this turn of events. It makes things which were big before seem diminished. Someone got into my home last week while I was house-sitting and instead of panic and betrayal and major drama, it’s more unsettling. The inner dialogue is more, figure out which movies they took and how to get to IKEA to replace the tool kit I loved so much and stop spinning my wheels about why they turned the deck porch light on and turned the little gold colored tin church one of my parishioners gave me ages ago to the rear of the shelf and what did they cook in the microwave that didn’t take all the minutes they thought it would. Get to True Value to change the dead bolt. And wish for them an amazing life changing experience which opens them up to the best life can offer the way this class has. Really… that’s what’s in my heart.

From now on I will look on those people who have had a sequential life that followed lovely order and know I need to not envy. Thou shalt not covet they neighbor’s lifestyle rhythm. Value your own journey is what I’ve always told my kids. I guess I wasn’t telling myself enough.

In the class we were asked the question ‘Why did you start writing?". In that totally transparent environment I was willing to search back and realize I started writing back in high school to hear my own voice. There were so many people exploiting me and drowning out my life, I just wanted to hear what I was saying inside; my opinions, my ideas and my visions were not being listened to by anyone else and so I wanted to concretize them in my own words.

Now through your responses dear readers, and your willingness to share your positive reflections, I embrace the opportunity to become better at offering encouragement or insights with others, far and wide. It’s a pretty vulnerable stance, but I’m OK with interrupting my previous agenda and surrendering to a bigger vision. As I heard myself answer the question, ‘How many years have you been writing your column’ with the words, ‘almost eight years’, I thought back on the privilege of writing about 19,200 words for you all and the blessing that brings.

This is the only week with no homework. Back to getting chores caught up so I can breeze through the weeks with domestic peace.

I’ll keep you posted.

Love,
Deborah