A Family Affair

Dear Readers...Some of you may have read a companion piece , “In the Wake of Tragedy” I wrote for the Vashon Beachcomber. In it I refer to a column that was pulled in deference to the tragic death of Kirsten Anderson Profitt. Below you will find the original column. Some small amount of time has passed. People have begun to start the discussion about the deeper issues. I offer it now in this literary cross pollination in a spirit of affirmation that difficult issues can be addressed in positive ways if we but speak them out loud.
 
It was the last session with a ‘client’.  I sat in the chair actively listening, putting to use all that I knew and had learned. The classes were all done: Human Development at each age and stage, Learning Theory, Ed Psych, Deviant Psych, Intro to Counseling. My thesis topic had been approved. This session finished up Theory and Practice. The supervisor came in and sat in the chair opposite me in front of the one-way mirror used to observe me in action.

“You will make an excellent therapist.” he declared. Instead of relief and affirmation, I felt dread and sorrow. With a Dad who was a Chaplain at the State Hospital for Southeastern Pennsylvania, a mom who tutored autistic kids, owned two schools and had her own radio station and served on the school board, psychology was the family business and sport. By the age of 16 it was expected of me to aptly delineate the various merits of traditional psychotherapy and client centered counseling.

I declined the invitation to continue toward certification and licensing. Only one time years later when I was looking for bread and butter income did I ever consider it. How do you explain carrying an undergrad minor and supporting field at the Masters level in psychology just because you intuitively want to understand what never could be said out loud in our family? Mom, beautiful, refined Mom, was crazy. Mentally Ill. What is now defined as borderline personality disorder with underlying anxiety disorder and bipolar cycles. How do you explain that all her accomplishments were mania and an attempt to runaway from the deep pain within her?
 
Hospitalized in her early twenties and then a complete breakdown after my oldest brother was born that sent her bedside again, she found no internal solution or hope. Just keep busy. “You know I can’t sit down” she would say. “You pick out the kind of person you want to be and you be it. It’s like a habit you acquire.”, she would decree.
I loved her so much. Still do. She told me I was the crazy one and until I was in my mid thirties and had to take an MMPI for vocational evaluation (Minnesota Multiphasic Personality Inventory), an instrument that cannot be manipulated, and the examining psychiatrist walked in and said, “Well, this is one of the most balanced and stable results I’ve ever seen”, did the scales begin to fall off. I was devastated. I had spent my whole life compensating in fear that someone would discover I was crazy, as I had been taught. I had been scapegoat, caregiver and mood altering drug all in one.

Much has been brought to light again because of Robin Williams death and, now revealed, deep and despairing struggle. The words, “Pick up the phone and call someone” are well intentioned. The truth, in most cases, is that someone is very close to them and loves them very much. Mental Illness is a family affair. Depression and the assortment of other categories of ‘wounded and lost and mis-wired’ is mostly about not being able to connect to your pain in ways that generate health and not being able to receive love.

So, akin to those columns about advice for those who have just lost someone to death, I write these suggestions about how to help those healthy, sane family members who walk along someone who is lost in life.

1. People with mental illness can be high functioning contributing, good hearted people who contribute to society. Avoid the stereotype that only if someone is wearing a hat made of tin foil to protect them from or contact aliens are they mentally ill. Educate yourself. Our awareness and definition of mental illness needs to be deconstructed and reworked.
2. Family members are juggling the intangible. Keep friendships strong. Treat it like you would death or some other chronic physical ailment. Bring a potluck dish. Invite them to talk about it and listen without judgment. Let them speak their truth. Bless them in any way that seems nurturing or even fun.
3. With early diagnosis and intervention, medication and treatment, mental illness can be managed and controlled. It is complicated, with people with mental illness can lead full, satisfying lives when they learn to own and manage their disease.
4. Help this Island continue to be a place of healing. Many on this Island have family members who are either treated or not treated and our rural, idyllic setting can be more than a visual peace. Let people talk about their experiences. Be a listening ear. You don’t have to fix things, but you can keep someone company with compassion. Encourage those who are suffering to get help. Offer the unconditional grace to let them tell the truth about their interior lives.
5. Advocate for more research dollars to be used to find new understandings and, dare we hope, cures. Not enough has been spent on the origins and treatment possibilities for mental illness.

You can make a difference.
Deborah H Anderson
Family Care Specialist and Community Activist.