Determination

Yesterday I had the opportunity to tell the story of The Christmas Jacket – which I will give it’s annual repetition in a few weeks as Hanukkah and Christmas approach—and it reminded me again of the fact that I have discovered on this Island, and been given, more love than I have ever known in my life. The esteem and respect that is afforded me repeatedly is humbling and gives me the power and desire to make the most of all my interactions and behaviors that I positively can.

The reason is quite simple. On this Island I have also experienced more hate and degradation and aggressively hostility than ever in my life from a general population. Horrible stuff that left me not only in tears but grasping for any sense of reason to continue believing in this human race there were people of goodness and kindness and charitable affection.

Many of moment has been spent in conversation with God about the who, what, when, where, why and how of hearts that could be so cruel not only to me but my children as well. Moreover, I saw, frequently, horrible, hate campaigns extended against others who had done nothing more than live visionary lives and urge others to do the same.

I remember well the first time someone said to me, after I had been on the Island a mere couple of years, ‘There’s enough people on this Island who hate you that we can get rid of you.’

Indeed, sometimes it seemed like this little rural clump of trees floating in the Sound like the mountain islands in ‘Avatar’ only called forth characters like those on Devil’s Island in Disney’s Pinocchio who wore striped shirts and suspenders and smoked cigars swearing like sailors out to sea for too long a time.

But in this was a miracle. Everyone has a theory about why we are allowed to experience bad times. I’m not a believer in reincarnation –actually I think the thought that this life will not be followed by paradise is so overwhelming that it drives the concept from my brain and heart—so instead I must look to the immediate opportunities for learning.

You know what I learned? I learned I was afraid of people who were not nice to me and hated me or resented me or were jealous of me or who were transferring anger towards others towards me. I learned my childhood response was to not notice it and pretend evil didn’t exist and take full blame for everything. Not exactly healthy, but it allowed me to pursue other options than taking heroin in my veins or selling my body to the lowest bidder.

Then I learned I curtailed whatever interest, passion, vision, or sheer delight I had in the presence of such attacks. Definitely neither healthy nor opening doors of opportunity for a fruitful or rewarding life. I rarely, if ever, set limits with anyone. I took the geographical cure. I just moved on.

God helped me see wonderful new strengths in myself when I was not able to leave the Island. Slowly but surely I began to keep to my path, live visibly and strike a pose of courage in the face of the negative thrust. I learned to set limits. Then I learned to set them sooner rather than later. I’m still learning that one, but I’m getting very good at it in gentle and defining ways.

Now, deep into my learning curve I am no longer afraid of hate. That is a miracle that allows me to pursue what it is God would have me do—my calling, my pleasures and delights, work, recreation, relationships.

In that, my focus moved from one of defensiveness to acceptance and I was able to notice more than ever acts of kindness, love and encouragement as something I could take in and let transform my life to the same degree that hate extended to me use to freeze me solid.

Like the song says, "I once was lost, but now I’m free…" No, not Amazing Grace. I don’t sing that first verse as much anymore because I was always found. God had always ‘found’ me. Being lost meant I was trying to dodge bullets. Now, I’m freed, by love, to go my merry way and let the dead --- those whose hearts are filled with sadness that makes them strike out, and thus dead—bury the dead.

Living in a closed system rural community means that everyone is at risk for a hate campaign. How then shall we live not in peril of defeat from it?

Keep short accounts of your strengths. Be not afraid. Be careful not to join in. Separate behavior from personhood. Focus on developing your ability to receive love. Remember a soft word turneth away wrath. Pray for those who either aggressively or passively extend harm your way. Trust me, they are hurting way more than you are. Prepare your heart for the holidays by ridding your connection to malice and bitterness. And recognize when you are sad so you don’t strike out. It’s the most powerful way to live and contributes the most to the common good.

Love,
Deborah